954-384-6114

Disorder In The Court: Some Very Funny Stuff

Fri Dec 4, 2009 by on Florida Law News

lawyer 2I am fortunate that I frequently get forwarded items that are meant for the blog. This particular item comes from a close relative who I know does not want their name disclosed. So I say thank you and encourage all my readers to continue to send me material that you would like me to share and let me know if I can publicly thank you!

Disorder In The Court…

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ __________ _________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ __________ ___________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ ___________ __________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ __________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ __________ __________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!
____________ _________ _________ ____________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________ _________ _________ _____________ ____________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_________ _________ _________ ___________ __________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ___________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _____________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ __________ ___________

— And the best for last: —

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Tags: Oppenheim Law, Roy Oppenheim

One response to “Disorder In The Court: Some Very Funny Stuff”

  1. Sam says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAAAA! That’s hilarious!